The Hardest Year Of My Life

All in all 2015 was an absolutely rubbish year for me, possibly the worst year so far in my life?! I realise that sounds a bit dramatic so please let me explain. On the 17th January 2015 my Gran passed away. When her care home rang me that morning, I smiled to myself as I immediately assumed she had run out of orange juice or chocolate yoghurts and wanted me to bring more when I went to visit that day. I was wrong. So very wrong and despite her age and her ill health nothing prepared me for them to say that my lovely lovely Gran had stopped breathing. Somehow I got through the motions of managing to speak to my mum to tell her and also to tell my husband who was amazing. We all got in the car and as we had the children with us, I was dropped off and they continued their day (swimming lessons etc) and whilst the rest of the world carried on... I was in my own private hell. Two ambulances later and a ride to our local hospital saw myself and my mum sat in the family waiting room in a and e. She died, and I fell apart inside.

On the outside to anyone looking in, I was fine, I was coping, I was me, I was mummy, wife, daughter, sister and friend and I tried so hard so fulfil all those roles as best as I could but I was broken. And I had no idea how to fix myself, people kept saying to me 'Time heals all wounds' and yet I would disagree with them. Nearly one year later and it hurts my heart just as much today as it did the day it happened. I have learnt to carry on with my life better and also realised that smiling and laughing with my family does not mean I have forgotten her. As I am writing this my eyes are drawn to her photograph sat on my desk and I can feel my eyes full of tears just begging to fall.

I refuse to continue to be a person that I know she would not be happy with. That amazing wonderful lady would hate for me to be sad and to just 'function' which is what I did for a lot of this year. I went through the motions of everything, I got things done and made sure my children were happy. This last month I have come so far in my personal Journey and I finally feel like I can share how it made me feel. I was so down and although I don't miss her any less, I finally have genuinely happy moments now as well. Before I just smiled and pretended. This is a journey and I am still on it, but I have faith that I will get there.

This is one of my favourite photographs of my Gran with Olivia as a baby.

Has anyone had a similar experience and found losing a loved one so hard?

Popular Posts